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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 192
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Monday, April 02, 2007 - 06:58 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Sitting in the Bar
>
>
>
> There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
>
> Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts
>loudly.
>
> The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk
>and
> says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
>
> The drunk replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 17
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Monday, April 02, 2007 - 08:04 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.Her eyes about bugged out of her head.I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story.Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
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m_johnson
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Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 12
Registered: 03-2007
Posted on Monday, April 02, 2007 - 11:16 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

MINNESOTA TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART


60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans sunbathe.

50° F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.

40° F: Italian & English cars won't start. Minnesotans drive with the windows down.

32° F: Distilled water freezes. Crane Lake's water gets thicker.

20° F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.

15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Minnesotans have last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F: All the people in Miami die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10° below zero: Californians fly to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota sell cookies door to door.

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Minnesotans get out their winter parkas.

40° below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. Minnesotans let the dogs sleep indoors.

100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons North Pole. Minnesotans get frustrated because they
can't start their cars.

460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
Minnesotans start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"

500° below zero: Hell freezes over ...and Vikings win the Super Bowl.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 193
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, April 03, 2007 - 08:03 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

here's another Walmart one.
Gotta love Walmart!


Fastest Thing in the World:

An office manager at the Wal-Mart in Charleston, NC was given the task of
hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to
cal l the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine
which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked,......
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"


Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there.......
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.

"Hmm.... Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened.,
"A BLINK" is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular clichéd for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant..
Yep, "TURNING ON A LIGHT" is the fastest thing I can think of..

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is.... "DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, . But, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,......... I had already in my pants.

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Charleston Walmart!

(Message edited by Blondie on April 03, 2007)
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 20
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, April 04, 2007 - 04:22 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

When it's ok to say the "F" word?
dogcliff
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 194
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, April 05, 2007 - 07:58 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas
yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under
shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas
stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times,
asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then
they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?!?"

The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and
grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison....



"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!"
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ccs
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Posted on Friday, April 06, 2007 - 11:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The husband said, " oh my gosh, what should I pack; Beach stuff or mountain stuff?

"Doesn't matter," she said, "just get the heck out!"
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 211
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, April 14, 2007 - 09:13 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Minnesooooota


Sven found a printing press at a garage sale and decided to print some
counterfeit money.
Ole said "You must be nuts! Nobody will take an eighteen dollar bill."
Sven said "I know where we can get rid of dem--in Minisota."
Ole said, "Vell come on , let's get rid of dem fast."
They drive to a bait shop in Fergus Falls, pull out an eighteen-dollar
bill and ask the clerk, "You got change for dis here bill."
The clerk (whose name was Lars) looks it over carefully and says, "You
betcha.
Whaddya want, two nines, or three sixes?"
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 24
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, April 15, 2007 - 08:50 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Never anger the backhoe operator:
backhoe
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 214
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 - 09:19 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

How children view the world


NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY: My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit"
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out" What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 222
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, April 22, 2007 - 08:30 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Being Sunday I couldn't resist putting this one in that I got today.

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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tiger_muskellunge
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Username: tiger_muskellunge

Post Number: 84
Registered: 10-2006
Posted on Sunday, April 22, 2007 - 03:41 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

An elderly couple was in church one Sunday, and about halfway through the service the wife leaned over to her husband and said; I just let a silent fart, what do you think I should do? The husband quietly replied; "get a new battery for your hearing aid"!

Ole and Lena were having a quiet evening at home and suddenly the phone rang. Lena was nervous but making no attempt to go and answer it, and finally Ole was getting impatient. After about 12 rings Ole went to the other room to answer it, however he was back quickly. Lena softly said; Yaa, who was dat Ole? Ole replied; it must have been da Coast Guard, when I picked up da phone dey said, is de coast clear?
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 224
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, April 22, 2007 - 05:01 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

good one, tiger, had to pass that on.
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tiger_muskellunge
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Username: tiger_muskellunge

Post Number: 85
Registered: 10-2006
Posted on Sunday, April 22, 2007 - 07:54 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Thanks Blondie, and I must say that I am a bit envious of the Clover Valley Forum and it's bright background of yellow. It kind of spiffs up the whole thing. The rest of the Forum is rather drab, color wise when compared to the C-V-F!! I have enjoyed reading your jokes as well.
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dab
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Username: dab

Post Number: 25
Registered: 02-2007
Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 - 01:23 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

While I was watching the NBA playoff games the other day, my wife and I got into a discusion about life and death, and the need for a living will.

During the course of the conversation I told her I never wanted to exist in a vegetstive state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. She got up unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
It can be tough married to a smart ass.
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dab
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Username: dab

Post Number: 26
Registered: 02-2007
Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 - 01:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice would run out into a glass. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop won the bet. Many had tried {weight lifters, iron workers, miners} but all failed.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polester suit, he said in a squeaky voice i'd like to try the bet. Everbody laughed and the bartender squeezed the lemon, then handed the remains to the little man. The crowd,s laughter turned to total silence as the man clinched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the man what do you do for a living? Are you a weight lifter, lumberjack, Trainer? The little man replied I work the IRS.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has

Will Rogers 1879-1936
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LWM
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Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 - 06:03 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

This motorcycle cop was sitting alongside a rural road one morning and out of a sideroad comes an old beatup station wagon and a lady driving it. The cop notices there are three penguins in the back seat. She stops at the stop sign and pulls out on the road. The cop starts his motorcycle, turns on the lights and siren and pulls her over. He gets off his bike and walks up to the car. He motions for her to roll down her window which she does. He says "You've gotta take them to the zoo" and he lets her go.

Next morning he's sitting in the same spot. Out of the side road comes this same old beat up station wagon, same lady driving, three penguins in the back seat but this time they're wearing sunglasses. Cop turns on his lights and siren, pulls her over again. Walks up to her car and motions for her to roll down the window. He says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?! She says "We did that yesterday, today I'm taking them to the beach"!
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 227
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 - 06:36 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I am certainly enjoying the jokes that are starting to come in...keep them coming.
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tiger_muskellunge
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Username: tiger_muskellunge

Post Number: 86
Registered: 10-2006
Posted on Tuesday, April 24, 2007 - 09:57 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A rabbi and a priest found themselves working together on a project to care for some disadvantaged people. One day while stopping to have some lunch, they finally had a chance to converse. The priest said, you know rabbi, I know that your faith precludes you from partaking of meals that contain pork. But tell me, have you ever had a good pork chop or a slice of bacon? The rabbi replied, yes father, I have brought shame to myself, I once had a pork chop dinner. There was a few moments of silence.

The rabbi then looked at his new friend and said, and do tell me father, your beliefs state that you must abstain from the sins of the flesh. Have you ever broken your vow of celibacy? The priest looked up at the rabbi and said, I am sorry to say that I have rabbi. But it sure beats pork all to heck doesn't it?
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 238
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, April 29, 2007 - 06:39 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

>A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
>chicken
>coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old
>fart,
>time for you to retire."
>
>The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
>chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
>old hens
>over in the corner"
>The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
>The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
>the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
>chicken
>coop."
>The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,
>just to be fair, I will give you a head start"
>
>The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster
>takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
>and the
>young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old
>rooster and gaining fast.
>The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
>he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running
>as
>hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the
>young
>rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third
>>"strange" rooster I bought this month."
>
>MORAL OF THIS STORY?....
>
>DON'T MESS WITH THE "OLD FARTS"..AGE, SKILL, WISDOM, AND LITTLE TREACHERY WILL ALWAYS OVERCOME YOUTH AND ARROGANCE!!!!

THE ENDING OF THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE WHOLE THING!!!



(Message edited by Blondie on April 30, 2007)
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dab
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Username: dab

Post Number: 27
Registered: 02-2007
Posted on Monday, April 30, 2007 - 01:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it. One day he drove him 20 blocks from his home and left him at the park.
As he swung into there driveway there the cat was.
The next day he decided to drive 40 blocks away and dropped the cat. Driving back up his drive there was the cat again.
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would beat him home.
At last he drove a few miles turned right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached a good distance from home and dumped the cat.
Hours later he called home to his wife and asked is the cat there? Yes she said why do you ask? The man answered, Put that-------cat on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions
Quote for the day
You can have everthing in life you want if you just help enough other people get what they want.
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 33
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Monday, April 30, 2007 - 05:19 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Saying to go along with my picture posted to left: "When you are in deep , keep your mouth shut, look straight ahead, and say nothing." It works for me.
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tiger_muskellunge
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Username: tiger_muskellunge

Post Number: 92
Registered: 10-2006
Posted on Friday, May 04, 2007 - 10:44 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

An elderly woman took her husband to the Doctor as she was getting quite concerned about his overall health. To top it off, his sight and hearing were not that great anymore either.

As they got into the exam room with the Doctor, the gentleman sat on a chair in the corner as the Doctor quizzed his wife.

What seems to be some of the problems maam?

Well, he is up at all hours going to the bathroom! OK, the DR said, lets get a urine sample from him.

What else? He is having trouble with his Bowel movements, she said. Well alright, said the Doc, lets get a stool sample from him.

How is his sex drive the DR asked? Well, came the reply, it certainly isn't what it used to be! OK, lets get a semen sample from him too.

At this time the old guy sat up in his chair, looked at his wife and said; What did he say!?

The wife looked him square in the eyes and said; (shouting) HE SAID TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHORTS!
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 34
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Friday, May 04, 2007 - 04:49 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A f ew days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is http://www.hotautoweb.com:80/cogifs/710.jpg
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 240
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, May 05, 2007 - 12:42 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crappy weather?"

I still don't know if she was joking...
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 242
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, May 05, 2007 - 06:42 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of
the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into
the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Jo urnal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a gon before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 244
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 - 07:00 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Cleaning Chickens

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree."You can blame this on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps
naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd
years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite
her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told
the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown
coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed
Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That
coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the
hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he
stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he
stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog
Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then
we all looked on plumb helpless, as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in
Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock
this mornin'!"
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 14
Registered: 03-2007
Posted on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 - 11:31 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

To All Kids Who Survived the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's




March 30, 2007
Author unknown

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them ¦CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us...pass this on.
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 15
Registered: 03-2007
Posted on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 - 11:35 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

When things in
your life seem almost too much too
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not
enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A
professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of
him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill
it with golf balls. He then asked
the students if the
jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The
professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He
shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the

golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full they
agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured

it into the jar . Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He
asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with a unanimous
'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the
table and poured the entire contents into
the jar, effectively filling the
empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the
professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar
represents
your life. The golf balls are the important things-
your God,
family, your children, your health, your
friends, and your favorite
passions--things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained
your
life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that
matter like your
job, your house, and your car.

The sand is
everything else -- the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar
first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time
and energy on the
small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to
you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your

happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18. There will always be time
to clean
the house and fix the disposal.'

Take care of the golf
balls first -- the things that
really matter. Set your priorities. The rest
is just
sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what

the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked.
It just
goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of
coffee with a friend.'


Please share this with someone you care about.

I JUST
DID
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 245
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 09, 2007 - 06:19 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the week
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 36
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 09, 2007 - 05:44 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

STRESS

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is

amazingly accurate. Read the full description

before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it.

It was used in a case study on stress levels at

St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the

water. The dolphins are identical. A closely

monitored, scientific study revealed that, in

spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical,

a person under stress would find differences in

the two dolphins. The more differences a person

finds between the dolphins, the more stress that

person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find

more than one or two differences you may want to

take a vacation.

stress
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 37
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 09, 2007 - 05:49 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. having friends.
At age 16 success is . .having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . .having money.
At age 70 success is . .having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 38
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 09, 2007 - 05:51 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

THINGS WHICH ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right; I can't jump over that table.

.....and now I'll quit for awhile!
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 247
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, May 10, 2007 - 06:39 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $280,000 & your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it." The next day the
father saw little Joe heading out the front door with
a suitcase. So he
asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told
him; "I was walking past
your room last night and heard you telling Mom you
were pulling out. Then I
heard her tell you to wait because she was coming
too. And I'll be damned
if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage & no bike.
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tiger_muskellunge
Pro Poster
Username: tiger_muskellunge

Post Number: 107
Registered: 10-2006
Posted on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 10:57 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A 3 year old little boy was in the bathtub when he suddenly discovered "himself" for the first time. He looked up at his Mother and said quizically; "Mom, are these my brains"?

In a deadpan reply the Mom simply said; "Not yet".
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 248
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Friday, May 11, 2007 - 03:02 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

BEST LIVING WILL

I, Maxine, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept
alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands
of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology
if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested
in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask
for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocola te
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct
my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug,
reel in the tubes and call it a day.
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 16
Registered: 03-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 12, 2007 - 09:14 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

How old is Grandpa???


Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill


There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens


Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.


Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time- sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in
Japan' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

'</font> "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.


And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!


Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.


Are you ready ?????



This man would be only 59 years old
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 250
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, May 15, 2007 - 12:31 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

SO YOU SEE, THERE REALLY ARE 2 WAYS TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING!!!!!
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 252
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 16, 2007 - 07:13 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a
mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 256
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, May 17, 2007 - 06:30 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She ask ed.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.
"How do you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!!
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 257
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, May 17, 2007 - 06:34 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little
girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled
in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out
completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and
the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if
I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm
going to step on it!"
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 270
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 23, 2007 - 03:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A wealthy man had been having an affair with a beautiful young Italian
woman for several years. One night, during a rendezvous, she confided
in him she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his sterling reputation
or go through a nasty divorce, he said he would pay her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to discreetly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it a secret, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.

One day, 8 months later, he came home to be met at the door by his
wife. "Honey," she said, sounding very confused, "you received a
strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll see for myself," he said.
The wife watched as her husband read the card. To her amazement, he
immediately turned white and keeled over, fainting on the spot.

On the post card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meatballs, one without."
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 23
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Monday, May 28, 2007 - 12:20 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMEN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.......

"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.... I'M GETTING A FAX!!!!!"
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 42
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 30, 2007 - 02:19 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM ...OR COULD HE??? AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED CLOVER VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL . "YES, YES, I DID. I'M A CAVALIER, "HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?'I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?" 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!'I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.THEN, THAT UGLY,OLD, WRINKLED,BALD, FAT,GRAY,DECREPID, NO GOOD,GOOFY LOOKING, IGNORANT IDIOT ASKED,"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 281
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, May 31, 2007 - 07:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

It has long been contended that there are male
jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes.


Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes that women will

love it and men will pass it along to a woman who

will love it.


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after
work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall,
handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.


He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. (As men will.)


Before she could offer her apologies for staring
so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $20.00......on one condition."



Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."


The woman considered his proposition for a
moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply
into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........









"Clean my house."







(YOU GO, GIRL!)

Money well spent!!!!
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 289
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, June 07, 2007 - 11:30 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 292
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, June 12, 2007 - 09:56 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 298
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, June 24, 2007 - 08:17 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next ;Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

> > 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

> > 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

> > 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

> > 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

> > 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

> > 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

> > 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

> > 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the out of him.

> > 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

> > 10)We do ;not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

> > 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

> > 12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".

> > 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

> > 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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dab
Regular Poster
Username: dab

Post Number: 33
Registered: 02-2007
Posted on Monday, July 16, 2007 - 02:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Senior Moment:
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in Metro station in D.C.
There were portesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the elevator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in avery soft voice said. Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?
The old woman looked up at her and said, Honey, my father died in France during world war two, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you so you could stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it. God Bless America
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 32
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 - 11:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Where Would You Be!





WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU


IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!



YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG DAMN HOUSE









image/bmp
untitled.bmp (452.5 k)
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 332
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, July 26, 2007 - 09:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic !"
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 337
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 - 09:22 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

FUN FACTS!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(Can you imagine? 30 minutes..lucky pig!)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmm mmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
( If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)





(Message edited by Blondie on July 31, 2007)
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 33
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, August 19, 2007 - 10:54 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked
to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week.



This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out
my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.


The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?


You'll love the answer...







The wife replies, "I did",





"they're in your tackle box".

(Message edited by m_johnson on August 19, 2007)
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 417
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 - 07:20 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it
Take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?" "Yust a minute," said the busy
Clerk.
"Vell," said Lena , "If it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take DA
Bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged nonsupport.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for
Support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while
I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference between a
Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell,
Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn signals are
Working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 'S knee. Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to
Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
Obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences,
Asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust
Put "Ole died." The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say
About Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are
Free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and
Finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
Bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent
Blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired
How she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a
Clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a
Clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned
To Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian
And my name ain't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And dot's enough!
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 46
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Saturday, October 20, 2007 - 05:47 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 47
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Saturday, October 20, 2007 - 06:04 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Puppeteer Extraordinaire
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoIkuqwoCc
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 448
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Monday, November 12, 2007 - 09:23 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

--------------------------------------------------------------
The Minnesota Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time t hey reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in da rain ."
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boon
Pro Poster
Username: boon

Post Number: 73
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Thursday, November 15, 2007 - 01:44 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)



An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
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valleygirl
Regular Poster
Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 48
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Thursday, November 15, 2007 - 06:06 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Why men shouldn't take phone messages:
"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer came back normal."
"I didn't know you even liked beer."
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webman
Moderator
Username: webman

Post Number: 753
Registered: 08-1999


Posted on Thursday, November 15, 2007 - 06:29 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I really liked the one about the 80 year old couple. I think I see myself in that story.
The trouble with life is, there's no background music.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 460
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, November 15, 2007 - 06:46 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

WEBMAN YOUR TOO YOUNG TO SEE YOURSELF AS THAT 80 YEAR OLD!!

I have seen the one a few times about why men shouldn't take messages, and believe you me, SO TRUE!!!!
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webman
Moderator
Username: webman

Post Number: 754
Registered: 08-1999


Posted on Thursday, November 15, 2007 - 09:01 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

What? Where's my toast?
The trouble with life is, there's no background music.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 491
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, December 15, 2007 - 08:13 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...




+ Tourist: $5



+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00



+ Fried Explorer: $15.00



+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00



The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'



The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of it, it takes all morning.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 495
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 10:40 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

Birds of a feather flock together... and poop on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle...it makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is... a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right time...but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose
weight...because by then your body and your fat have gotten
to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is...to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates...is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "
XL."

If you think there is good in everybody...you haven't met
everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong...you have someone in
mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is... so he can
tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice
it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and
"IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age...and start bragging about it.

The older we get...the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I
want people to know "why" I look this way...I've traveled a
long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to
youth...think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old...when everything either dries
up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is...that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful...but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you
forget to pull up your zipper... It's worse when you forget
to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft... today, it's called golf.

Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my
mouth...AMEN..!!
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 38
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Monday, December 31, 2007 - 09:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services

Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 505
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, January 03, 2008 - 01:29 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

> I was depressed last night so I called "Lifeline".
> Got a "call center" in Pakistan .
> I told them I was suicidal.
> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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boon
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Username: boon

Post Number: 76
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Thursday, January 03, 2008 - 05:20 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other
birds?

Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline.
The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was,
well, blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's
easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the
one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not
help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is... Absolutely correct!!
You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later , the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks.
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boon
Pro Poster
Username: boon

Post Number: 77
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008 - 10:35 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A blonde farm girl from Saskatchewan walks into a bar in Calgary and orders three mugs of Budweiser.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the farm girl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The blonde farm girl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Cranbrook. When we all left our home in Saskatchewan, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The farm girl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The farm girl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs."Oh,,,, no - no,,, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though."
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 39
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 - 08:48 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I LIKE THE COMMENTS SOMEONE WROTE!

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:



Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]



Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]



Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]



Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]



War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]



Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]



And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile (Maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Keep laughing, it will keep you young!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 40
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 - 08:49 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Subject: Sleeping Arrangments


A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman, asking, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'


'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.


'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.'


After a moment of silence, he farted.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 529
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008 - 11:30 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A man owned a small farm in Alaska The Alaska State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.


Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."


"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.


"That would be me," replied the farmer.
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boon
Pro Poster
Username: boon

Post Number: 78
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008 - 01:34 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 41
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 07:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would
like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 542
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 09:40 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was
the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to
the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate
the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at
your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor
running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the
birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery
and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir,
you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor
running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of
their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also
and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman,
smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you
do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta
keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black
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scotty
Regular Poster
Username: scotty

Post Number: 16
Registered: 09-2007
Posted on Friday, February 01, 2008 - 07:23 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

And Bill and God laughed and laughed because the joke was on me......




So here is how it goes.....

One morning Bill is walking through heaven past God and God say's Good Morning Bill, "Ahh another great day in heaven it is God,says Bill. Hey Bill, God say's, Did you see all those nice things people said about you in the Cavalier Web site? Yes, I did notice Bill sheepishly replied with a grin from ear to ear. God said I noticed something in there that you may not know about. Oh really answered Bill, what's that? God said watch this....

Phone rings, I answer, Hi Mom, Hows it going, great, good blah blah blah the conversation goes on for quite a while and then I happen to mention to her that she should take a look at the Cavalier web site it's pretty neat and there are interesting thing's there. She said to me maybe I will, we talk some more then say Love yah, Bye. Now Bill looks over and says "God, I don't get it, whats the joke?" God chuckles and says "Not yet Bill, just watch"

A few days later phone rings, Hi Mom, How's things going? The conversation goes on for just a few moments when Mom says "Hey I looked up the Cavaliers web site and you were right there is a lot of interesting reading there, I will go there again when I have more time, but I was wondering I was reading about this person named "Scotty" who took Mr. Linquist VW for a joy ride to Knife River (To see a sick friend, I might add, well turned out he was not even sick he had to watch the bar) and I certainly do not remember any such incident or any punishment for said incident, what do you have to say for yourself" Now Bill is looking over at God and his belly starts to jiggle and his smile gets broader and the laugh starts to come bursting out and he says "We got you you little bugger". God even lets out a little chuckle, it's good to laugh. Well meanwhile down on earth I am in a quandry, I'm thinking "you know I'm almost fifty years old I should own up to the things I did in the 70's. Be a man. Take the punisment, it can't be that bad." I cleared my throat and said "Scotty who? I don't have a clue who you are talking about. Boy sure is cold out isn't it Mom......
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 51
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, February 03, 2008 - 05:05 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

"She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I would have to give it up." Then, I caught her spending $65 for makeup. I asked her, "How come I have to give up beer and you don't have to give up makeup?" She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her, "That is what the beer was for."
I don't think she's coming back.
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 53
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Friday, February 08, 2008 - 05:32 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Montana high school students brought 3 goats to school as a prank. Before letting them go in the hallways, they painted the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on the goats' side. Administration spent all day looking for #3.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 552
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, February 09, 2008 - 06:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

-----On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and thing go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in particular looses it.

Screaming she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to
die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"


For a moment there is dead silence . Everyone has forgotten their own
peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front
of the plane.


Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome, tall, well built, dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.


........... one button at a time.

........... no one moves.

........... he removes his shirt.

........... sinewy muscles ripple across his chest and flat, six-pack
abs.

........... she gasps.

........... he whispers.




.......... "Iron this - and then get me a beer."
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torggy
Moderator
Username: torggy

Post Number: 1037
Registered: 04-2002


Posted on Friday, February 15, 2008 - 09:55 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I gotta tell ya. This is one of the funniest things I read in a long time.

WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA


The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because
this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.

It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to
Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was
having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were
eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with
nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own
hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.

Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to
Rid Ireland of Norwegians)

Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that
prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians in
hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to
flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish
spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive
on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desparate Irishmen
sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and

sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian
invaders.

But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only
added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided
to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "lucious fish".

Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started
taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called
"lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March
17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL".

So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota or North Dakota

---- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes
and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.



The End.
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m_johnson
Regular Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 42
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Saturday, February 16, 2008 - 10:20 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said: ' Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty- year lifespan.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go in to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.



On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 564
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008 - 07:30 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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madd_maxx
Pro Poster
Username: madd_maxx

Post Number: 93
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Monday, February 25, 2008 - 09:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole had a car accident.


In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

"Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Ole continued, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."


Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling'? Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"
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madd_maxx
Pro Poster
Username: madd_maxx

Post Number: 96
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Thursday, March 27, 2008 - 05:34 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Girl on the beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ....." he replied -

OOOH - Now this is going to kill you

OOOOH - You're gonna hate me for this - but it will make your day!!!

She sells C cells by the sea shore!
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 602
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, March 27, 2008 - 07:23 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole lived across the River from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly !"

This went on for years.

Finally the State built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena ,said "Now is your chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you would?"

Ole said, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do dat."

Ole started for the bridge but as he saw a sign on the bridge and he stopped to read it, then he turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said" Lena , I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence.
Dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft., 6 in.

You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river."
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 622
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, April 02, 2008 - 06:50 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I am sure many will say she is not a Bush fan, you got that right.
little humor to make your day a little livlier. May God be with us in the next election.


With this sort of medical breakthroughs I wonder how long our
human race can survive!!!!!

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in 6 weeks.'

A German doctor says
'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says
'In my country , medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart
out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work
in two weeks.'

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says
'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains
out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half
the country is looking for work
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 623
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, April 02, 2008 - 06:54 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I couldn't resist putting this one in

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She r eplied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye t hese days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 631
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, April 09, 2008 - 10:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

 cow
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 696
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008 - 11:09 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric...
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boon
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Username: boon

Post Number: 92
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Monday, April 28, 2008 - 02:37 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

There is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.

When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, from the neighboring farm and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I ust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." sven reaches! under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sv en looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 731
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Monday, April 28, 2008 - 02:51 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

GOOD ONE BOON
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 773
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Monday, May 05, 2008 - 10:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Boon sent me some Sven and Ole jokes, and thought I would put this one in.

Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish. As it was durring the spawning season, the game warden asked, " Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden replied.

"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yiump back into deir buckets and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." said the game warden.

Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"

The game warden was really curious now. "O.K. I've got to see this!"

So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"

"Vell what?" responded Ole.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" asked Ole

"The fish!"

"What fish?"
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bob_m
Regular Poster
Username: bob_m

Post Number: 44
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 12:28 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400." "Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of 'em than we did."
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 45
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 12:43 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole got a job with the Minnesota highway department painting lines down the center of the highway.
Ole’s supervisor told him he was expected to paint two miles of highway a day.
Ole started work the next day.
The first day Ole painted four miles.
His supervisor thought, "Great."
The next day Ole only painted two miles.
His supervisor thought, "Well, it's good enough."
But the third day Ole only painted one mile.
Ole's supervisor went out to talk to Ole.
He asked, "Is there a problem? An injury?
Some reason you keep painting less and less highway?"

"Vell, Ole told him, I keep getting farder and farder from the bucket."

SR
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 775
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 01:32 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

*************************************************

To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.

According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"

Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.
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bob_m
Regular Poster
Username: bob_m

Post Number: 46
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 03:01 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"

I was LOL so hard I dropped my laptop.
It is one of those you know what is coming but when you read it you just can’t stop laughing.
Thanks,
==========================================

Ole’s neighbor asked why the Norwegian government waits until men are 45 years old before they are drafted.
Ole Explained, "Dey vant to get dem right otta of high school."

==========================================

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says,
"What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 776
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 03:41 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I got a real chuckle out the last one you posted, with Ole ironing!!
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boon
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Username: boon

Post Number: 96
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008 - 03:51 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I went into hysterics with the iron joke. Passed it around to others in the office. Good one.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 52
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 - 11:04 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road,
and the Norwegians on the other side of the road for the parade.

Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians.

Of course the Norwegians would get mad and light the firecrackers and throw them back.

==============================

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident.
They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there.
I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach.
If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and when they reach the first 1,000th step God tells a joke.
Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell.

Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke.
Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke.
Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Ole stops at the gate and bursts out laughing hysterically.
God asks, "What are you laughing about?".

Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 61
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Friday, May 09, 2008 - 04:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

My husband got me a mood ring for Mother's Day. It turns a beautiful green when I'm in a good mood and leaves a red welt on his forehead when I'm not. Maybe next year he'll buy me a diamond.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 55
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Friday, May 09, 2008 - 05:17 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Fact according to valleygirl.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
Dring
Another fact according to valleygirl.

Diamonds can be a husband’s best friend also!!!
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valleygirl
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Username: valleygirl

Post Number: 62
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, May 11, 2008 - 06:52 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 56
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Sunday, May 11, 2008 - 03:14 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Something a Mom Would Never Say
- - "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

All Yokes aside.

Happy Mother’s Day
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bob_m
Pro Poster
Username: bob_m

Post Number: 64
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008 - 04:34 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Lena passed away and Ole called 911.
The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Ole said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
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torggy
Moderator
Username: torggy

Post Number: 1125
Registered: 04-2002


Posted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008 - 05:14 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

This thread has gotten long enough
But do not let that stop you from posting stuff
Starting a new thread is not so tough

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