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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 779
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 17, 2008 - 11:15 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

PHONE REPAIR

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.
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frosted_flakes
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Username: frosted_flakes

Post Number: 107
Registered: 04-2008
Posted on Saturday, May 17, 2008 - 11:30 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

So, this is where you have disappeared to. I've missed you. :-(

You can send me a note, unlike some people I accept them. LOL

(Message edited by frosted_flakes on May 17, 2008)
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 780
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 17, 2008 - 03:49 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I have been here all along, this is where I belong!
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 65
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Sunday, May 18, 2008 - 12:29 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

All You Need to Know About Life Learned from a Cow

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

4. It's better to be seen and not herd.

5. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

6. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

7. Never take any bull from anybody.

8. Always let them know who's bossy.

9. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

10. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

11. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 66
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Sunday, May 18, 2008 - 01:08 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole and Sven and dere families live in da voods & share da same outhouse.
Vun day Sven comes to Ole & says, "Ole, I got some bad news, eh?
Da outhouse is full up an' ve should do sometin' about it."
Ole tinks fer a minit an' says, "Ya know, Sven, I don't much wanna shovel dat stuff outa dere.
Ya know dat I usta verk fer da iron mines dere in Minnesota.
I usta set da charges dat vould blast da ore out. I tink I could set up a charge under da outhouse,
blow all da crap outa dere an' leave da outhouse standin' pretty as ya please.
"Vell, Ole," says Sven, " if you could do dat, that vould be a vonderful!"
So dey go off to get da dynamite to do da yob. Dey come back an' Ole sets da charge yust so.
Sven an' Ole are stretchin' out da ignition cable into da voods and disappear behind da trees
yust as Ole's vife, Lena, comes outa da house headin' fer da outhouse.
Yust as she gets inside an' settles down Sven an' Ole set off da charge.
BOOOOOOOM!!!! an all da mud under da outhouse goes blastin' out into da voods.
Ven da dust settles dey see dat da outhouse is standin' dere yust like Ole promised.
Yust den da door flies open an' Lena stumbles outa da outhouse coughin' an' beatin' da dust offa her an' mutters,
"Geez, I'm glad I didn't do dat in da house!!"
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 781
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Sunday, May 18, 2008 - 07:21 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

OH MY GOODNESS, tears are running down my cheeks with this outhouse one!!

Then it came to mind my husband talking about when they used to move this guys outhouse on Halloween, they would pick it up and move it, well, one year the guy got smart, and moved it himself, so guess who fell in the hole!!!! Think this guy lived over the railroad tracks out there in Segog.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 67
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Sunday, May 18, 2008 - 02:20 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Sounds like your husband was on the wrong end of that Halloween Prank.

Ah yes Segog, and outhouses in January, those were the days. ?

OH
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 785
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Wednesday, May 21, 2008 - 05:28 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

WOW READ THIS, HOW TRUE THIS IS! Not funny, but certainly hits the nail on the head!

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
> Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
> 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
> 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
>
> Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
> 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
> 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
>
> Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
> 1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
> 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie . Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
>
> Scen ario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
> 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
> 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she "remembers" being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
>
> Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin t o school.
> 1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
> 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
>
> Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
> 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English , goes to college.
> 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given di ploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
>
> Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
> 1957 - Ants die.
> 2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
>
> Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
> 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
> 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 68
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Thursday, May 22, 2008 - 12:57 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

That says a lot about society’s responses in today’s world.

I believe part is a reaction to a litigious society. CYA so you don’t get sued.
Another would be Zero tolerance, which gives people a sense of comfort,
but does not allow for common sense. (An aspirin is not the same as cocaine.)
Also the population of the US is close to twice that of 1950, which would increase the chance of something going wrong.
ETC…ETC…ETC

On the bright side, it is not quite as bad as it seems.
In 2007 when there is an over reaction to a situation the story hits every news outlet and, the Internet.
It is also repeated over and over. Everybody in the world knows about the situation.
In 1957 if there was an over reaction to a situation nobody except the local area knew about the situation.

1957 was a much simpler life.

Although I do like my Computer, Internet, Cell Phone, TV, and Indoor Plumbing.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 786
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 24, 2008 - 02:13 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is
at the Pearly Gates, by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling
up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get
into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
isn't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be
Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what
I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify,
so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter, 'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this,
and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but
I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's
first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first
name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it
from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN.'
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 69
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Saturday, May 24, 2008 - 11:38 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years.
Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and I had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate and says,
"You have been good mice all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us.
If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life.

And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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m_johnson
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Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 49
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, May 25, 2008 - 11:40 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Subject: ATTORNEY vs. COP

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Philly cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Philadelphia, Pa. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Philly cop's expense.

The cop says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The cop says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the co p. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?''The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the cop says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the cop says.

At this point, the cop takes out his billy club and starts beating the tar out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
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m_johnson
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Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 50
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, May 25, 2008 - 11:46 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I thought this message was a good one because we can all relate. Have a great day!

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, 'How heavy is this glass of water? '

Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.'

'If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.'

'In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.'

'As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. '

'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.'

'Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy!'

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

2* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

17* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today !!!
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squirrel
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Username: squirrel

Post Number: 20
Registered: 09-2007
Posted on Sunday, May 25, 2008 - 09:42 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

m johnson - do you know the author of what you wrote? would like to use the stress bit for work.it is soooooooooo true! squirrel.
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m_johnson
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Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 51
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, May 25, 2008 - 10:36 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

squirrel,
Sorry, I have no clue who wrote it. It showed up in my email from a friend with a long string of names that it was forwarded from.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 72
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Monday, May 26, 2008 - 12:55 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

squirrel,

http://www.healthspas.co.za/ht/article_2005_08_19_1027.php
Author unknown

http://www.gannett.cornell.edu/top10Topics/stress/stress_lesson.html

I checked some other sites also, and no author is given that I could find.
In common use with author unknown. (Public Domain?)

If you wish to relieve more stress read the one before ATTORNEY vs. COP.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 73
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Monday, May 26, 2008 - 01:03 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole and Sven, the old retired Norwegian boys, lived at the Old Retired Norwegian Home.
One afternoon they were sitting on the front porch looking at the sunset and talking about this and that.

Lena, who lived there too, was standing around the corner and heard the boys talking.
Being a mischievous lady, Lena decided to play a trick on the boys.

Taking off all her clothes, she ran around the corner and raced past Ole and Sven as fast as she could run.

Ole and Sven watch in astonishment as Lena runs past.
Finally, Ole asks, "Vasn't dat Lena?"
Sven replies, "Yah, ay... ay tank so..."
Ole says, "But, vat vas she vearing?"

Sven shakes his head and says, "Yah, ay don't know, but vatever it vas, it sure needed ironing!"
.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 788
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Monday, May 26, 2008 - 08:29 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter bunny speech’. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy speech’. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa speech’. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
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squirrel
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Username: squirrel

Post Number: 21
Registered: 09-2007
Posted on Monday, May 26, 2008 - 10:02 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

thanks for the info and the jokes! I work in a very stressful place - lol - who doesn't anymore. I am working on putting together a how to deal with stress briefing - I sure know laughter works. and dancing - I always tell people to dance - they look at you like your are crazy - but ya know what - they goof around and do it and it makes them laugh! they don't know that I get the "dance" from the bible. When got blessed David, he danced for joy before the Lord! So, for all the blessings - I dance to praise the Lord - and no, can't dance worth a lick. My husband used to say dancing me with was like driving a mack truck without power steering. You all have a fun week! Dance and laugh!
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 77
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Monday, May 26, 2008 - 11:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa!
You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 792
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Wednesday, June 04, 2008 - 08:12 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

BEST GOLF CADDIE REMARKS

#10

Golfer: 'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'

Caddy: 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'

#9
Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and
earth to break 100 on this course.'

Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved
most of the earth.'

#8
Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'

Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'

#7
Golfer:
'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'

Caddy: 'Eventually.'


#6
Golfer: 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world .'

Caddy: 'I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence.'


#5
Golfer: 'Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction.'

Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a compass.'


#4
Golfer: 'How do you like my game?'

Caddy: 'Very good sir, but
personally, I prefer golf.'

#3
Golfer: 'Do you think it's a sin to
play on Sunday?

Caddy: 'The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.'


#2
Golfer: 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'

Caddy: 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.'

. .
and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: 'That can't be my ball, it's too
old.'
Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.'
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 83
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Thursday, June 05, 2008 - 06:03 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, U.S.A.,
they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the boy $50.00. The President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $50.00 and immediately sat down to write a
thank you note to God that read:

"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through
Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devils took half of it.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 797
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Monday, June 16, 2008 - 09:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
> Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military
> action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off
> America's supply of convenience store managers and candidates for
> President of the United States.
>
> And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers
will
> be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, and then all
> Motel 6 managers.
>
> It's getting ugly!
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 84
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Saturday, June 21, 2008 - 10:55 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging a young man between them.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry my daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate for a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That proves she is the true mother-in-law."

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 802
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Monday, June 23, 2008 - 01:39 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

How Government works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in 2007.

They go together with a White House official to examine the fence.

The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then
says.. 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me.'

The third contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'

The official, 'Incredulous,' says, 'you didn't even measure like the other

guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

He whispers back, '$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the

$700 contractor to fix the fence.

'Done!' replies the government official.
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chris
Unregistered guest
Posted on Tuesday, June 24, 2008 - 08:19 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye..

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later , Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
______________________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 803
Registered: 01-2007
Posted on Thursday, June 26, 2008 - 07:01 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

HAVE A LAUGH
A drunk, who smelled of beer, sat down on a park bench next to a priest. the man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin stuck out of his coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and a lack of bathing daily."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned."
Then he returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it Father." the drunk said, "I was just reading here in the paper that the Pope has it."
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 86
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 10:48 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a Swedish battle ship received a radio signal in
Norwegian telling it to shift course 10 degrees to the west.
The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east!
Moments later the reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west.
"I vil NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and yelled,
"Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!"
Again came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west.
By now the captain was livid, and he signaled
"NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A CAPTAIN ON A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT
YOUR COURSE 10 DEGREES TO THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!"

Moments later came the reply:

"Ja, vel I am at the Norveegian lighthouse and you vil shift 10 degrees to da vest,
if yu know vat's good for yu!"

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 815
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, July 13, 2008 - 06:54 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

One morning three Alabama good old boys and three Yankees
were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta
for a big football game.

The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as
the three Southerners bought just one ticket between them.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one
ticket??' asked one of the Yankees.

'Watch and learn,' answered one of the boys from the South.


When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees
sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom to gether and
closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around
to collect tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a
clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on
the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta
train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to
their astonishment the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

'How are you going to travel without a ticket' asked one of
the perplexed Yankees.

'Watch and learn,' answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed
themselves into a bathroom and the three Southerners crammed themselves
into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankees
bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 92
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - 12:21 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "Yah know, ve could
make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”
Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything
they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico
and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins
to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up
Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able
to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and
bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's bleeding and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "Vhat happened? Vas the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the Bungee cord vas fine. It vas the crowd
they just started beating me.

Say Ole Vhat’s a pińata?”
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 817
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, July 22, 2008 - 08:13 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and works for the government.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 112
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Friday, July 25, 2008 - 09:01 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Norwegian joke.
The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Norwegian.''
Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Norwegian."

The bartender finished, ``Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Norwegian, too.''

The customer replied,
"I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times."

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 823
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, July 29, 2008 - 08:35 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole met a beautiful blonde lady named Lena and he decided he wanted to
>> marry her right away.
>>
>>
>> She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
>>
>>
>> He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along..'
>>
>>
>> So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice
>> resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his
>> towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
>> gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in the jackknife position, where
>> he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
>>
>>
>> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel..
>>
>>
>> Lena said,' That was incredible!'
>>
>>
>> Ole replied, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
>> we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
>>
>>
>> Then Lena got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
>> fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of b
>> reath.
>>
>>
>> Ole said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
>>
>>
>> 'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in East Grand Forks, Minnesota and worked
>> both sides of the river.'
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bob_m
Pro Poster
Username: bob_m

Post Number: 135
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Tuesday, July 29, 2008 - 10:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Lena was driving home one night when she was stopped by an officer for speeding.
The officer told her she was doing 50 in a 25 zone.
He asked for her driver’s license.
She said she didn't have one. She lost it 2 years ago for drunken driving.

The officer asked for her registration and insurance card.
She told the officer she couldn't, because she stole the car, killed the owner, and hid her body in the trunk.

The officer immediately called for backup, and called his supervisor.
When the officer's supervisor arrived he took control of the situation.

The supervisor asked Lena to open the trunk.
Lena did, and it was empty.

He asked for her registration, and insurance card, and Lena gave them to him.

He asked for her driver’s license, and Lena gave it to him.

He scratched his head.
Lena asked what was wrong?

He told Lena his officer told him you lost your license for drunken driving, you stole the car, you killed the owner,
and stuffed her in the trunk.

Lena replied I bet that big liar said I was speeding too.

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 832
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 - 03:50 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother wi th fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John McCain. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!'
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 833
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 - 03:53 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

MINNESOTA QUARTERS ALERT (IMPORTANT)



Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may have or acquire.

They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.
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bob_m
Pro Poster
Username: bob_m

Post Number: 186
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Thursday, September 18, 2008 - 10:12 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is,
"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is,
"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out
so Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."

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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 849
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, September 18, 2008 - 08:54 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Two redneck young men from up in Minnesooooota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.


Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful
girls in this catalog?'

Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.

And look at the price!'

Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.

At thi s price, I'm buying one.'

Sven smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as
beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'


Three weeks later, Sven man asks his friend Ole,

'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now.

I got her clothes yesterday!'
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 850
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, September 24, 2008 - 12:58 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

> A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
> together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the
> house was to prepare the meal.
>
> When it came time for Ron and Irene to be the hosts - Irene wanted to outdo
> all the others. Irene decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but,
> mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too
> high."
>
> He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
> mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
>
> She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
>
> He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them, and they're OK."
>
> So, Irene decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
> diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
> gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All
> morning long, Irene watched Ol' Spot, and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to
> affect him, so she decided to use them.
>
> The meal was a great success, and Irene even hired a helper lady from town
> to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy
> little cap on her head.
>
> After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10
> and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and
> whispered in Irene's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."
>
> Irene went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the
> doctor and told him what had happened.
>
> The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
> call for an ambulance, and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give
> everyone enemas, and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be
> fine. Just keep them calm."
>
> Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
> The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One
> by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
> pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out
> and said, "I think everything Will be fine now." Then he left.
>
> They were all looking pretty weak, sitting around the living room, and about
> this time, the helper lady came in and said,
>
> "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"
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bob_m
Pro Poster
Username: bob_m

Post Number: 188
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Thursday, September 25, 2008 - 12:34 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole was on his deathbed. He implored his wife Lena,
"Lena, ven I'm gone, I vant you to marry Sven Svenson".
"Vy Sven Svenson?" Lena asked.
"You've hated him all of your life!"

"Still do," gasped Ole.

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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 856
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, October 09, 2008 - 05:24 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

> If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
> you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG
> one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of
> shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But,
> if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
> beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will
> have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment
> plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent
> study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
> Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
> alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
> miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 857
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Friday, October 10, 2008 - 07:55 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:




"Want coffee."



The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere

and then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter



"Want coffee."



The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?"




The Indian smiles and proudly says .



"Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,

leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day.
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squirrel
Regular Poster
Username: squirrel

Post Number: 29
Registered: 09-2007
Posted on Friday, October 10, 2008 - 08:59 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

blondie - I liked the last two jokes! made me laugh about the beer. by the way, we were in TH a week ago - it sure looks weird without the high school on the hill.
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 858
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, October 11, 2008 - 07:17 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

squirrel, yes doesn't it look weird with the school gone. This summer we had some construction work done, and they took about three big loads of that lovely clay and dumped it there. I noted yesterday that they were working on the hill, not sure what they were doing. Sure a nice view now though from 4th Ave.
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Frank Ornie
Unregistered guest
Posted on Saturday, October 11, 2008 - 01:46 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I went to Clover Valley from 1955 to 1959 when I left to join the navy. Would like to hear from old friends from school in those years.I
live in Oregon now.
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m_johnson
Pro Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 54
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Tuesday, October 14, 2008 - 08:34 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

New Stock Market Definitions for 2008 and beyond.
>
>
> CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer
>
> CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer
>
> BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor
> to mistake himself for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
> allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
>
> VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
>
> P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their
> pants as the market keeps crashing.
>
> BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
>
> STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
> assets equally between themselves.
>
> FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been
> disconnected.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION -- Happens the day after you buy stocks.
>
> CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
> down the toilet.
>
> YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
> for $240 per share.
>
> WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when YOU'RE the sucker
> who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now
> locked up in a nuthouse.
>
> PROFIT -- Archaic word -- no longer in use
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m_johnson
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Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 55
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Friday, October 17, 2008 - 07:41 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN
BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY
CORRECT!!.......and so timely!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.



"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."



"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."



And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.



Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his
hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.



Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ...



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.



"Now it's time to visit heaven."



So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."



The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I w ould never have said it before, I
mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
hell."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.



He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it
in black bags as more trash falls from above...



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full
of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"



The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......



"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 876
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Monday, October 20, 2008 - 08:02 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 215
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Sunday, November 09, 2008 - 01:40 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."


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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 903
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, November 15, 2008 - 03:58 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Little boy comes in house yelling at door - Hey Mom......

No answer so he yells louder......... HEY MOM

The mother angrily tells him to stop yelling across the house and come into the living room where she is and why should she have to go to him.....

He thinks it over, then marches across the house into the living room where he loudly says.... 'I just stepped in a lot of cowshit..... where do you keep the hose?'
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 217
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Tuesday, November 18, 2008 - 08:49 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied,
"That's because he's inside your cat."

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 906
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, November 18, 2008 - 07:01 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking
market, if one of my checks is returned marked
'insufficient funds', does that refer to me or to you?

Yours Faithfully
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 908
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, November 20, 2008 - 06:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

can you relate to these?

Laws of ultimate reality
----- & Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease , your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines in a queue (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath/Shower
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the R esult
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a gym locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop ma king it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment an d you'll stay sick
--
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 913
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, November 30, 2008 - 12:43 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.


It's a tough market out there. Be careful................
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 218
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Monday, December 01, 2008 - 12:03 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said:
"Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog.
If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.

The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him?
If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 219
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Monday, December 01, 2008 - 10:28 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall
meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month,
wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly drawing.
That is until the last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three
to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce,
four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of swedish meatballs.
Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets
to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of
tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble.
Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.
Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.
At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out
how they had fared for the past month. Sven said "Uff da,
I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga
didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days." Ole said
"Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets.
The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound,
and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus.
And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would
swear dey were sisters." Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked
him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says
"Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 916
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Thursday, December 11, 2008 - 07:02 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

NORVEGIAN LOVE STORY

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in northern Minnesota . It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, yust put it on our tab'.

So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, 'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Vhy didn't you yust give me some money?'.

Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 221
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Monday, December 22, 2008 - 12:07 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first boy says, "A circumcision."

And the second boy gasps and says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 945
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008 - 12:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

BLESSED MINNESOTA

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

'Today, I am going to create a land called Minnesota.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes full of fish. It shall have tall trees, flowing rivers, landscapes full of flowers, tall grass, beautiful blue skies, majestic eagles, forests full of many kinds of wildlife, rich farmland and wonderful people.' God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper and they shall be known as friendly people who practice being 'Minnesota Nice' every day.'

But Lord,' asked Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Minnesotans?'

'Not really,' replied God 'just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.'
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 224
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Friday, January 02, 2009 - 10:33 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

One night, a torrential rain soaked northern Minnesota.
The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet
high on most of the homes there.

Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena,
waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap,
floating near the house.

Then she saw it float far out into the front yard,
then float back to the house; it kept floating away
from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena,
"Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house,
den back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole;
I tole dat lazy-such and such he vasgonna cut da grass today,
come hell or high water!!!!

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 960
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Friday, January 09, 2009 - 04:48 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Husband Down

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 961
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 05:23 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a
> cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
>
> 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his
> tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
>
>
> 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
> 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
>
> 'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie .'
>
> 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
>
> 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
>
> 'Could I see him?'
>
> Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
>
>
> Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
> master. ?Vill you grant me vun vish?'
>
> 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
>
> So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
>
>
> The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there
> waiting for his million bucks.
>
> Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
> ducks....flying directly overhead.
>
>
>
> Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I
> asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to
> tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a
> 10-inch Bic?"
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 982
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2009 - 08:41 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

>could put the Vikings in here.
> The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders
> heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2
> Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time,
> they make you use them.
>
> Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around with
> their feet up, snacking and drinking beer,and TV watching
> the Super Bowl?
>
> A. The Dallas ?Cowboys
>
> Q. What do the Dallas ?Cowboys and Billy Graham have in
> common?
>
> A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell
> "Jesus Christ".
>
> Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
>
> A. Put up a goal post.
>
> Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
>
>
> A. A thief.
>
> Q. What's the difference between the Dallas
> Cowboys and a dollar bill??
>
> A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
>
> Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super
> Bowl?
>
> A. Nobody remembers and we will very likely never find out!
>
>
> Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
>
> A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 983
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2009 - 06:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that’s when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.
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bob_m
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Username: bob_m

Post Number: 235
Registered: 08-2007
Posted on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 - 02:55 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ole was sitting in a bar with his best friend, Sven. "I chust don't know," Ole complained. "I come home and Lena don't have my dinner ready. Seems to me a man ought to be able to have a hot meal when he comes from work. It ain't right, you know."

"Oh," Sven said, "I had a problem like that. I would come home and the house would be messy. I told my wife, "From now on, I expect the house to be clean when I get home!"

"And vot happened?" Ole inquired.

"The first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. The third day, I see that the house is clean as a whistle."

"Wow! Chust like that!?"

"Yeah, just like that. I wear the pants in my family."

"By golly, I vill try that myself!" exclaimed Ole.

A couple of weeks later Ole runs into Sven, and Sven says, "So what happened, Ole? Did you tell your wife you expected dinner on the table when you get home?"

"You betcha," said Ole. "Chust like you said. I told her what's what."

"So what happened?" Sven asked.

"Oh, pretty much like with you. The first day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The second day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The third day, I come home, I can maybe see just a little bit out of my left eye."

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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 1123
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, March 29, 2009 - 12:48 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Subject: Word of the Day



LIQUIDITY





Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 1243
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009 - 07:38 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

OKAY, ALL OF YOU LUTHERANS, OR FORMER LUTHERANS WILL GET A KICK OUT OF THIS, DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ACTUALLY!!!
This is sweet…………..

Lutheran Airlines

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!

ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA


If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience.Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight...

Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce:

In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.

Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.

Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace:

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 1453
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Tuesday, February 02, 2010 - 07:50 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

we need a little humor here again




Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:


DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...


Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, "Bridge Out?"
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blondie
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Username: blondie

Post Number: 1456
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Sunday, February 14, 2010 - 01:05 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Government surveyors came to Toivo's farm in the fall and asked if
they
could do some surveying. Toivo agreed and Empi even served them a nice meal at noon time.



The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Toivo, "Because you

were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad
news in person instead of by letter.


Toivo replied, "What's the bad news?"

The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not

in Minnesota, but is actually in South Dakota!"



Toivo looked at Empi and said," That's the best news I have heard in a lon g
time, why I just told Empi this morning, I don't think I can take another

winter in Minnesota."
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m_johnson
Pro Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 61
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Saturday, June 26, 2010 - 01:29 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
‘You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
‘If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
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themaskedfan
Pro Poster
Username: themaskedfan

Post Number: 91
Registered: 08-2009
Posted on Saturday, June 26, 2010 - 04:51 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Confucius say; Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find in cathouse...
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themaskedfan
Pro Poster
Username: themaskedfan

Post Number: 92
Registered: 08-2009
Posted on Saturday, June 26, 2010 - 08:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Confucius say; Man who stand on toilet high on pot
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themaskedfan
Pro Poster
Username: themaskedfan

Post Number: 93
Registered: 08-2009
Posted on Saturday, June 26, 2010 - 08:53 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Confucius say; Number one son born not right in head, name him Sum Ting Wong
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m_johnson
Pro Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 64
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Friday, August 06, 2010 - 02:01 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp!
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blondie
Pro Poster
Username: blondie

Post Number: 1600
Registered: 01-2007


Posted on Wednesday, August 11, 2010 - 11:11 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

> Yesterday my thoughtful wife asked why
> I didn't do something useful with my time.
>
> She suggested I go down to the senior center
> and hang out with the guys.
>
> I did this and when I got home last night
> I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
>
> She said "Are you nuts? You're 72 years old
> and you're going to start
> jumping out of airplanes?"
>
> I proudly showed her
> that I even got a membership card!
>
> She said to me, "You idiot!
> Where are your glasses?
> This is a membership to a Prostitute Club,
> not a Parachute Club!"
>
> I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
> I signed up for five jumps a week!
>
> Life as a senior citizen
> is not getting any easier!
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m_johnson
Pro Poster
Username: m_johnson

Post Number: 65
Registered: 03-2007


Posted on Sunday, August 15, 2010 - 08:51 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP    Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat
alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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